The Coffee Table Has Retained Counsel

Fellow members, I had intended to open this publication with a dignified statement about our shared values. Unfortunately, the coffee table has retained counsel.

This follows what the table describes as a ‘routine stationary operation’ and what our office describes as an ambush. At approximately whenever one gets up for a snack, our distinguished toe encountered the table’s southeastern leg. The table has since refused to move, apologize, or disclose why it needs four legs when the rest of us manage perfectly well with two.

I immediately convened an emergency meeting. Attendance was excellent: all ten toes were present, although the smallest arrived sideways and spent most of the proceedings blaming a sock seam. We agreed unanimously that something must be done. We then disagreed for forty minutes about whether that counted as doing something.

The table’s legal representative, an ottoman with a very expensive-looking tray, insists its client has occupied the same position for years. I find this admission devastating. Years of preparation. Years of waiting. Yet we are expected to believe this was spontaneous.

In the interests of fairness, I invited the table to submit a written response. It submitted a magazine from 2019, two remote controls, and a ring-shaped stain. Our records officer has classified the stain as circumstantial evidence. The magazine has been referred to the history department, which is currently a drawer.

Members have asked whether the toe is receiving appropriate support. It is. The neighboring toe has issued a statement of solidarity, and a slipper has been appointed interim peacekeeper. The slipper brings considerable experience in soft landings and no experience whatsoever in conflict resolution. This makes it our most qualified applicant.

I must also address rumors that we are planning sanctions. At present, the only measure under consideration is withholding the good coasters. This is a serious step. Without them, the table could face the full, unmediated consequences of a slightly damp mug. We do not make such threats lightly.

For now, I ask members to remain calm, maintain a respectful distance from low furniture, and stop sending us photographs of alternative coffee tables. Regime change is outside our budget. So, apparently, is a roll of foam edging; the treasurer says we have already committed this quarter’s funds to a stamp reading URGENT TOE BUSINESS.

I have used the stamp seventeen times. Morale is improving.

Yours in good standing, The President