The Little Toe Has Requested Annual Leave

Fellow members, the little toe has submitted a request for annual leave. The form was complete, properly dated, and folded into a square too small for Human Resources to pretend it had been lost.

The applicant cites continuous service, repeated exposure to narrow footwear, and a workplace position at the far edge of every incident. It has requested seven days at the beach. I support restorative travel in principle, but the little toe’s transportation plan appears to involve taking the entire foot.

This created an immediate staffing problem. Our regulations require five toes on duty during normal walking hours, with four permitted only during emergencies or unusually confident hopping. The little toe proposed that its responsibilities be distributed among the remaining staff. The fourth toe declined, noting that it already performs the work of ‘standing nearby and receiving no recognition.’

We opened applications for a temporary replacement. The first candidate was a baby carrot with excellent color but no footwear experience. The second was a marker cap that fit the position neatly yet kept rolling away during orientation. A small marshmallow passed the softness requirement and failed every other test, including the part where someone put on a shoe.

I then reviewed the little toe’s duty statement. Its listed responsibilities include maintaining the western boundary, balancing the visual composition of the foot, and locating furniture in darkness. The first two are difficult to measure. The third is performed with such dedication that several desks have asked us to reduce service levels.

Negotiations continued over lunch. The little toe offered to remain available by correspondence. I explained that mail service between the beach and the end of a foot is not currently funded. It countered with a postcard bearing the words WISH YOU WERE HERE. Our legal office advised that a postcard cannot be both an operational plan and a taunt.

At last, we approved a compromise: a two-day staycation inside a fuzzy slipper, with no meetings, no ceremonial appearances, and limited contact with table legs. The neighboring toe will handle boundary duties, while the big toe has agreed to be visually impressive enough for everyone.

The leave began Saturday morning. By Saturday afternoon, the little toe had filed a grievance claiming the slipper was crowded, the refreshments were imaginary, and management kept bringing the vacation along whenever it walked to the kitchen.

The little toe returned to duty early. It says this demonstrates commitment. Payroll says it preserves two unused leave days. I say the beach was never prepared for the paperwork.

Yours in good standing, The President