The Presidential Portrait Is Almost Ready

Fellow members, I am pleased to announce that our official presidential portrait has entered its sixth week of being almost ready. The subject is one big toe. The specifications are forty-three pages. I accept responsibility for only thirty-eight of them.

I began with a modest ambition: a photograph suitable for hanging in our headquarters, once we acquire a wall that has agreed to be headquarters. A dignified likeness would reassure members that someone is in charge. At present, our only official image is a blurry close-up labeled FINAL_FINAL_USE_THIS, in which authority is partially obscured by a bath mat.

The first difficulty was the instruction to look directly into the camera. Our distinguished subject possesses many leadership qualities, but eyes are not among them. I amended the guidance to read ‘face forward in spirit.’ This produced no measurable change, which I recorded as admirable consistency.

Next came wardrobe. I had requested formal dress. The wardrobe department supplied a sock, thereby concealing the entire candidate. When I pointed this out, they offered a transparent sock, which does not exist, and invoiced us for the concept. I have placed the invoice in the same folder as our plans for a second headquarters wall.

We eventually settled on a tiny sash. Its lettering was to say OFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL TOE PORTRAIT, but space permitted only OFF. I considered this refreshingly direct until the photographer asked whether it was an instruction. We lost twenty minutes restoring the equipment.

Composition proved equally demanding. The neighboring toes kept appearing at the edge of the frame. I explained that this was a solo portrait. They explained, through continued physical attachment, that they had made other arrangements. Cropping was proposed. The second toe requested a copy of our organizational chart.

By the afternoon I had approved a neutral background, a reassuring angle, and an expression I described as ‘quietly competent.’ The photographer described it as ‘a toe.’ I appreciate a collaborator who can translate artistic language for the general public, though I would prefer he do so after leaving the room.

The finished photograph is excellent. You can see every detail except the sash, which slipped behind the subject, and the sense of gravitas, which may require a more expensive lens. I authorized a gold frame and prepared a short unveiling address lasting approximately as long as the sitting itself.

Unfortunately, the printer selected ‘fit to page.’ Our modest portrait now depicts a toe fourteen inches tall. I have hung it above my desk. For the first time in my presidency, I feel supervised.

Yours in good standing, The President